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Wednesday, July 27, 2016

What if We Remember These Words

Last week, I went to my very first women's conference.  I was going to be 2,000 miles away from my family, and of course, before I left I considered backing out. I stood on the treadmill with my friend and told her a few of the reasons I wanted to cancel. For several months before, my head was consumed with what ifs.
What if I'm leaving our company at the time when we are the busiest? What if my kids need me? What if my husband forgets to put the game controller down long enough to fill a cuppy? What if something happens to me? What if I get to the conference and miss my family so much that I just want to turn right around and come home? What if...?

Of course, nothing like that happened, but do you know what did happen? 

I cried the entire trip, and those what ifs never left me. I felt God's presence each and every day. From the moment I sat down on that first airplane, to the very minute I arrived home and climbed into the truck with my family. The words were just flowing onto my note pad. I was so excited and so inspired. My chest was so overwhelmed with hope and gratitude, that the what ifs became...

"What if God really did choose ME to be here?" 
"What if the words that God puts into my heart, the words that I long to share 
with others, really are worthy and important?" 
"What if taking this trip, having this experience, surrounding myself with these women 
 is exactly what my kids need me to do as their mom?"
"What if, this time, instead of getting sidetracked by life and the what ifs, I stay focused on 
my writing?"

I pushed past my fears. I ignored the voices that had told me women don't travel without their families. I ignored the voice that said this money would be better spent on someone else, or on something else?

All of those tears that I shed these past few days, were tears of joy, of compassion, and of amazement. They were tears for Lysa Terkeurst when I listened to her speak about her near death experience. They were tears I cried when Suzie Eller told us about her trip across the world, that would forever change her life and the life of a woman battling breast cancer. They were tears I cried inside, 
as I tried to be strong for the woman at my table who told me she lost her husband after being his caregiver for 10 years and was faced with, "what do I do now? I want to write, but what if I'm not good enough?"

I packed my bags, and stepped into this experience with one foot in and one foot out, fearful that it might not have been for me. However, I walked away knowing that it was. I was chosen to be a daughter to my parents and a sister to my 5 brothers. I was chosen to drive through that rainbow with my grandmother over 20 years ago, during a moment when I was most fearful! I was chosen to parent these beautiful babies that God has so lovingly placed into my hands and heart. I was chosen to live in this house and love this man.  
I was chosen to ask one more what if...just one more.

What if starting today, and every day after, we choose to remember these words...

This is my journey. 
I was chosen to live this life.
I choose to live it well. 
I am enough. 

(...and on a side note, I did cry a little when I watched a video of my little guy playing 
with his daddy and sister, and when my dad sent this sweet picture of him napping with 
the baby. Seriously, how cute is this? All wrapped up in pompo's arms :)

Did you wake up with any what ifs on your mind today?